Why mindfulness, why now?

One of the things I think of often is how I felt growing up. I have this concept that most adults could think back to childhood and probably identify the times where they might have been really unhappy or situations that made them feel unhappy or depressed. I think that most people could identify those types of feelings easier because those times and feelings were far and few between for a “normal”childhood. I, on the other hand, can identify the times where I felt genuinely happy and present and I think that is the case because those times and feelings for me were far and few between. As far back as I can remember (which is very far back) I’ve felt depressed, sad, angry, not good enough and never ever present. My mind was and still is always either in the past or the future. The times I remember feeling completely present in the now stand out for me because that feeling is just incredible. This of course all goes back to the very early childhood trauma I experienced - I’m sure in a future post, I’ll get to that…

In my adult years I’ve been attracted to the the concept of meditation and mindfulness as a way to disconnect from the past and the stories I’ve attached to them. However, I never knew how to begin. It always seem to me as one of these “secret things” that a select few knew about. And so I would just continue to tell myself that the mind is a mysterious thing, and mine is broken because of what I experienced as a child.

When I finally decided to get back into some therapy (on my own terms - which was NEVER the case), I had no idea that the term “mindfulness” would come up and that I would be further exploring this concept. However, the therapist I’ve started seeing came as a reference from a friend and mindfulness is a practice that is used and focused on in our sessions. Interestingly enough, months before I finally decided to get myself into seeing someone, I was in a book store and was drawn to two books on the topic of mindfulness and meditation. I kept coming back to these two books and finally chose to purchase them - until I started in therapy they sat on my desk collecting dust. The primary reason being that sitting down reading a book has always been a challenge for me because I’ve never been able to get and keep myself in the present.

My primary focus has been just this - trying to stay more present and being more aware of how this can greatly improve my wellbeing. I have to assume, that from my therapists point of view, establishing a strong foundation in terms of mindfulness is crucial before we start attacking the heavy stuff….